Sister Anne's Correspondence

Brother Frenzell McSpackle
Elvis and All Holy Rollers Cathedral
8907 South Holiness Lane
Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Brother McSpackle,

While I was edified by receiving your effusive letter of last Thursday, offering dispensation for my our worldly sins (of both omission and commission), I feel I must refuse your spiritual generosity.

As I head a humble mission whose members have sworn themselves to chastity and poverty I have little to offer you in payment, even if I had any sins I needed dispensation for, other than those His Holiness the Pope forgives me on a daily basis.

Furthermore I am returning the novelty condom and tobacco products catalogue, as my motto is "reduce, reuse, recycle", and feel it could be put to better use elsewhere. Since I do not speak in any tongues other than those my mother taught me (which I understand well enough) I am also returning the sample lesson from your course "Understand the Tongues You Speak In 30 Days".

I am unable to contribute to your, "Brother McSpackle to Heaven in '2010" campaign as all the mission has of any worldly value is the annual honey harvest from our bee-hives. Since these were invaded by killer bees last fall production has dropped off dramatically, though since we have fewer sisters to feed because of the bee-stings it has balanced out nicely. I can send you a bottle of killer bees if that will help.

While I have little of this world's goods to offer, I humbly share what I have. I saw a corn pone snake in the back yard this afternoon, and if you are lacking one of your very own I will attempt to capture this one and send it to you. Sister Sysiphis succumbed from the bite of this very snake last summer, but I suspect she was more than usually suspectible to its venom. You may not have the same sensitivity, or if you have, you could probably afford medical treatment.

I hope you are not offended by my unresponsiveness, and I will continue to pray for your infernal soul, in the hopes of rescuing you yet from the clutches of fundamental Elvisism.


Respectfully yours,
Sister Anne, Mother Superior,
The Mystical Light Mission
Funk’s Inlet, B.C.